A Christmas to do list when it isn’t the most wonderful time of year for you

As much as I want my life to be like those adverts on telly (and Pinterest), Christmas just isn’t the most wonderful time of the year for me.

It’s a rollercoaster of contradictory emotions and I’ve had to learn how to handle it very carefully else it quickly becomes what can only be described as pure misery. Add in suddenly losing my dearest Grandad, the only father figure I’ve ever had, earlier this year and I’ve found myself asking how on earth I’m supposed to get through it. But get through it I will.

I know a lot of people share my feelings around Christmas. Whatever the adverts, magazines, Instagrams, blogs and vlogs tell us, a lot of us can struggle to find the joy and our place in it. To be clear, I don’t want to feel this way. It’s not that I’m a grinch and I hate Christmas and want to ruin it for everyone else; I just find it very emotional, overwhelming, stressful, sometimes lonely and usually find myself looking forward to it all being over. The adverts started at the end of OCTOBER and every time one comes on my heart sinks like a led weight, my eyes well up and I want to tun it off. 

But I can’t turn Christmas off, none of us can. 

If you’re in my Christmas camp, maybe you’ve lost someone too or maybe you just find it overwhelming, here’s what I’m planning to do to get through it this year. I’m hoping these to dos might help you feel a fraction less alone and give you a few action plans too if you’re struggling – because there’s nothing worse than feeling stuck in anxiety, low mood or grief. 

Simplify

Keeping things simple will help in so many ways. It won’t cost you as much, it won’t take up as much of your time and you’ll have more space in every sense. There are hundreds of little ways you can simplify Christmas from how many presents you buy to how much you spend to how many Christmas dinners you attend. Give yourself permission to chip away the unnecessary excess where possible. 

Be happy and be sad

I learnt to put on a brave face when I was very young. Blocking my feelings became a coping mechanism for me and for a long time it worked. It got me through tough times. But here’s the thing – we need our feelings. All of them.

We’re not evolved enough as humans to block both sadness and joy. This means if we block one we block the other and end up pretty numb. To feel joy we need to feel sad and vice versa. Whether it’s happiness or sadness, try to lean into how you’re feeling and let it wash over you. We’re supposed to feel happy and we’re supposed to feel sad. There’s no right or wrong.

Focus on meaning

The materialistic side of Christmas is the worst part for me. The pressure to buy all that stuff none of us need to have the best Christmas ever is obscene. Focusing on what Christmas really means to me lessens all that noise and makes it less scary.

For me, Christmas is about quiet days spent with people I love, watching White Christmas on Christmas Eve, wrapping what presents I do buy exactly the way my Grandad taught me how, plenty of alone time surrounded by the scent of my Christmas tree, taking longer than your average person to choose the perfect Christmas tree, enjoying the drive to midnight mass with my mum, listening to Michael Buble’s Christmas album and a whole host of other very tiny tiny moments. Think about what Christmas really means to you and focus on that. Your version of Christmas doesn’t have to look like everyone else’s.

Contribute

Giving to others always makes me feel good. I think it always feels good to be kind and help anyone less fortunate than ourselves. Even a tiny contribution can make a difference. This year I’ll be donating to a local homeless charity, World Horse Welfare and Animals Asia. Contributing also makes me feel less like the centre of my own universe. It gets me out of my own head and reminds me there is a world bigger than myself. It’s a relieving feeling. 

Plan but not too much

Making plans is a slippery slope for me because my default is to over plan to the point where I end up completely distracted from how I’m really feeling and then resentful about having to do a ton of things I never really wanted to. This year I’m planning a day at the Chatsworth exhibit because I went last year and really enjoyed it, a day on the sofa with my bff watching Christmas films because a night out fills me with dread. Aside from this I’ll plan plenty of free time so I can breathe and I’m less likely to get overwhelmed. 

Reach out

Telling people how you really feel about anything that’s bothering you is always a relief. It makes me feel less weird and less heavy to just get things off my chest. When it comes to Christmas I often find people feel the same way. It’s a nice reminder that the materialistic ideals thrust on us by advertising is all smoke and mirrors. If you don’t feel like you can talk to those around you, grab a pen and talk to your journal. 

Look after number one

You’re number one by the way. As selfish as it can feel, the best thing you can do for your family, friends and any else around you is to prioritise your own wellbeing. Unless you prioritise your own mental health and happiness at this time of year, you’re headed for trouble. If you need some time alone, take it. If you need to not buy as many presents this year, don’t get into debt. If you need to let someone down because you just can’t face another Christmas party, say no.  

Say no

Is it me or does everyone pop out of the woodwork when Christmas comes around? The invites and the pressures are endless. It’s all too much for me. I find myself saying no more at this time of year than any other. If you’re a people pleaser, try this blog post I wrote that’s packed with plenty of tips on how to say no. If you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, I’m giving you permission to be creative with your excuses. 

Welcome absent loved ones in

This is a new for me this year and it’s something I’m both dreading and looking forward to (I told you it’s a rollercoaster of emotions for me). Instead of pretending I’m fine and I’m not desperately wishing my Grandad would walk through the door in his black wool coat and grey check scarf I bought him many Christmases ago, I’m going to try and find ways to intentionally make him part of the day. I haven’t decided exactly what to do yet, probably because how painful it feels, but I’d like to make sure a place is set for him at the table and dedicate time to reminisce about old Christmases when he was here. 

I really hope that helps anyone who’s feeling the same as me right now. If you’ve been making absent loved ones part of your Christmas for a while, please let me know what your traditions are. It’s all new to me and I’ve got a few ideas, but I’d love to hear your stories too.