It’s ok to let go of those who aren’t right for you

This is a copy of one of my simple letters, a newsletter I send out to anyone who subscribes. I don’t usually publish these letters on my blog but I wanted this one on here. If you’d like to sign up for these personal stories on simplicity I send out you can click here.

It’s been a rough week. 

After I sent last week’s letter I received a reply that simply read ‘please unsubscribe me from your email list’. Ok but ouch.

On Friday I got a bad podcast review. I mean really bad. Personal, hurtful and viscous. I won’t go into the details, it’s on iTunes for everyone to see if you fancy a read (counter positive reviews are oh so welcome!), but I don’t mind telling you I spent longer than I’d like to admit crying in my bathroom after reading it.

Finally, last weekend I saw a group of dear old friends together in a Facebook photo. There was something missing that used to be there – me. More pain. 

These were all sharp reminders that, as painful as it is to write, I’m not for everyone and not everyone is going to like me. If you saw my Instagram stories earlier this week when I chatted about my anxiety levels, now you know why it’s been so bad.

We can read as many inspirational quotes as we like about how we should just let go of this stuff or ignore it. Forget about it and move on. I understand that approach but feeling disliked, unwanted and personally criticised hurts.  As much as I’d love to have brushed it all off and carry on as normal, there was no getting around those feelings – and I think that’s ok. It’s our primal instinct to care what people think of us and nobody wants to feel disliked, it’s awful.  I think feeling all the hurt is part of the healing process. 

The hard truth is not everyone is going to like us. Some will and some won’t. No matter how much people pleasing we engage in getting everyone to like us is impossible. A complete and utter waste of energy. It also ends up creating a diluted version of ourselves where we’ve no longer got any idea who we are. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to be a diluted version of myself for anyone. 

The only way I’ve been able to deal with this last week is to separate my likability from my self-worth. I’ve had to remind myself over and over that, no matter what my instincts tell me, likeability is not validation. It’s the slipperiest of slopes.

I feel like I’ve been reminded that putting ourselves out there in this world, whether that’s via a grand gesture like an online blog or just trying to make our way through a quiet existence, means we’re never sure what’s going to come back. That makes putting our true selves out there terrifying.

Online reviews from strangers are one thing but I’ve also been thinking about friendships, how there’s a time for everything and how important it is to let them go once they’ve burnt out. And they do burn out. Our interest and love for people can do this both online and offline. We’re all swimming in a sea of connections, break ups and changes of direction. It’s life. It hurts but it’s ok.

Life comes down to one thing for me – joy. This doesn’t come from surrounding myself with those who don’t like me or aren’t right for me. It also works vice versa. There’s no point hanging on to what’s no longer working. As painstaking as it can be it’s so much more empowering (and kinder to everyone) to let it go. Feeling it first, making sense of it and then eventually letting go. 

I’ve been thinking about how there doesn’t have to be an explosive argument or snide comments either, letting go can be a quiet act where we acknowledge that person isn’t for me, and that’s ok. Then we carry on, moving towards what and who is right for us. This doesn’t make us or them bad, it’s just the way we’re built as humans and part of life. 

So this week I’m firstly cheering you on to not feel bad for feeling all those feelings around being disliked and then I’m cheering you on to move into a position of bravery where you can separate your self-worth from likability and let go of those who aren’t right for you. Let them go and hang on tight to those who are right for you. They’ll be the ones working out the exact percentage of that bad review in relation to all your good ones. If that’s me, as in I’m someone who’s not right for you, you can always quietly unsubscribe from my letters by clicking the unsubscribe at the bottom if you ever want to. I don’t take these unsubscribes personally, but please choose this option and spare me the gut ache from another one of those emails.