Letting go of friends and how to do it without hating yourself
I’m no stranger to heartbreak. Boyfriend after boyfriend they all let me down.
They cheated, told me I wasn’t quite right for them, effortlessly explained they didn’t love me anymore and even pretended to have lost my number. As painful as it is, all of this is considered a normal part of growing up and there’s even the saying ‘you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince’. I’m happy to report I eventually found mine and 7 years of marriage later so far so good, he’s a keeper. But what about friendships? Surely we have to experience the hurt and let those go too?
We accept relationship breakups as part of life but if you’re anything like me, these aren’t the only heartbreaks you’ve known. The breakup of a friendship can be equally if not more painful and I’ve had my fair share of those too. For too long I held onto friendships that were toxic, one sided or just weren’t working because I was loyal to my people pleasing ways and ignorant to the fact that friendship breakups are also a normal part of life. The Sex and the City bffs for life or #squadgoals scenario simply isn’t the case for many of us – and that’s OK!
Post cervical cancer scare, when I decided to stop doing things that didn’t make me happy or add value to my life as part of my new found minimalism, the fat very quickly started to shed and I’m not going to lie, it was tough! I realised I’d married my self-worth to my friendships and I had way too much invested in what others thought of me. I know now that was because I didn’t have much self confidence and so I was unable to reassure myself that the most important relationship was actually the one I had with myself.
These friendships, some of them decades old, are no longer; and although letting them go hurt like hell – I’m better off for it. Now I can count my true friends on one hand (spoken like a true introvert). Each one inspires me, supports me, is genuinely happy when I succeed and loves me just the way I am; and I feel exactly the same way about them. To be clear, these friendships aren’t perfect, but they are real. These friends get my weirdness, can sit in silence with me without feeling the need to fill the gap with small talk; and even when we’ve spent months apart, when we see each other it’s as if we saw each other yesterday.
It’s an awful feeling when you’re surrounded by the wrong people. I’d often feel used, taken advantage of and generally insecure. The thing is, it wasn’t necessarily the other person’s fault. It’s not like I was being bullied, I just wasn’t taking responsibility and being brave enough to pick and choose who I let close to me. I have a theory that we work too hard at our friendships for reasons that are less than sincere. We hang on when we should’ve let go years ago. I once read that half the people we consider friends don’t even like us (source forgotten but if I ever find it again I’ll let you know). It’s exhausting yet we punish ourselves and rob ourselves of precious time and energy we could spend better elsewhere.
Most of us stick at these friendships because we don’t know how to let go and it can feel easier to carry on with a not so great situation rather than deal with it head on. With that in mind, I wanted to share some practical advice on how to let go of friendships without beating yourself up about it and hating yourself…
Remove your self-worth from your friendships
We are not our friends. Don’t buy into the idea that the more friends you have the more you’re worth, and instead of numbers measure the quality of those friendships. One good friend is worth more than ten who don’t get you. Social media would tell you the opposite, but the truth is the most important friend you’ll ever have is yourself. Focus on that friendship before all others and you’ll find it easier to let go of what isn’t working.
Put some boundaries in place
We take way too much crap from others and do way too much stuff we simply don’t want to do. Consider this your permission to stop doing that right now. If you’re anything like me you were brought up with the ethic of ‘you can’t let people down’ as one of your guiding principles. More importantly we need to focus on not letting ourselves down. Think carefully about what you’re willing to put up with and what you aren’t. Comparison coach Lucy Sheridan has a great phase for this: ‘I’m not available for that’. She explains it in a buisiness context during this podcast with Lola Hoad (35 minutes in) but it applies to friendships beautifully. So what are you available for and what aren’t you available for? Baby showers are non negotiable for me. As happy as I am for people who are having a baby, I’d rather individually pluck my eyelashes than put myself through guess the poo and pass the breast pump. Not that you should have to explain, but true friends will understand your boundaries and won’t judge you for them.
Explain yourself, or not
I’ve talked myself out of saying no or breaking up friendships countless times because of that pain staking thought of having ‘the conversation’ where I actually have to see rejection of others through. What would I say? What would they think? Even now, just typing these words has sent my stomach into a lurch and it’s still something I can struggle with, but with practice it gets easier. The thing is we don’t have to say nearly as much as we think we should and the reality is never as bad as our overthinking brains tell us it will be. You don’t have to explain yourself at all if you don’t want to and too often we forget we have a choice.
Listen to your gut
After reading Brene Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection (highly recommended!) I had the terrifying realisation that I hadn’t spoken to my intuition for years. My lack of self-confidence meant most of my decisions were based on what others would think and friendships were no exception. It’s important to work on the relationship we have with our gut because it’s there for a reason. Think of it as our guiding light and always trust it knows the way. However faint, it is there and it’s our job to listen. In my own quest to start tuning in to my intuition, I’ve found it useful to stop asking for other people’s opinions. At first I was sent into a blind panic, but working through the discomfort has done wonders and now I find it much easier to identify what’s right for me and what isn’t.
Stop blaming others
When we’re not happy with a situation, say a friendship, it can feels easier to blame others through judgement and criticise them instead of taking action to change things and set boundaries in place for ourselves. This only feeds our own inner critic and will never move us forward. If you find yourself moaning and groaning about those around you, try switching the spotlight onto yourself and lay off the judgement of others. People are who they are and if you can’t accept them for that then you definitely shouldn’t be friends.
Remember less is more
I live my life by the mantra ‘less is more’. I’m undecided on whether someone can have too many friends but I firmly believe we only have so much time and energy to give to others before we start sabotaging ourselves and other relationships. There’s only so much of us to go around and whilst I believe we can do anything we want to do, we can’t do everything at once. Surrendering ourselves to the reality that we can only do so much can be a welcome relief and forces us to prioritise the precious time we do have.
Let the drift take its course
Don’t be afraid to go in a different direction and allow friendships to take their natural course. It can be natural for a friendship to end when a job ends or you move to a new city. It’s not uncommon to outgrow friendships either and this doesn’t mean someone has to take the blame. Forcing the unnatural will only exhaust you and leave you feeling overstretched, sometimes even used if you’re the only one making the effort. Letting go can feel really hard in these situations but hanging on to what isn’t working is even harder in the long run.
If you’re feeling inspired to simplify life I share practical tips like these in my simple letter. You can subscribe to them here.
What’s your experience with friendship break ups? Are you a natural people pleaser? If you’ve any other tips you think others reading this would find useful be sure to share them in the comments
