What 2020 (the year of love) taught me

At the beginning of the year my horoscope assured me I’d never have another year like this one - it was right.

Coronavirus aside there will never be another 2020 for me. I will never meet my brother or my dad for the first time again, I will never lose my little Dolly dog again and I will never take for granted the simplest things like having a pub meal with friends again. I can confidently say it has been the most pivotal year of my life. I feel like this year has held more of those before and after moments in life than any other. I’m talking about those sparse but powerful events where nothing is ever the same afterwards. There is always a before and and after.

This year was always about love for me, so much so that my word of the year was love. I chose this word because I was curious what life might look like if I loved myself as opposed to being so hard on myself all the time. The question I intended to keep on my shoulder as my guide throughout whatever 2020 threw at me was what would I do if I loved myself? 

Here’s what the last twelve months have taught me…

Looking at the parts of ourselves we’re most afraid to will open up a space for us to truly accept who we are

As any fellow fatherless daughter’s will know, there are certain times of year that are excruciatingly painful for us and father’s day is merely one of them. After reading Kristin Neff’s very brilliant self-compassion, I decided to stop suppressing the pain I felt surrounding the father I knew only as torn up photographs and fragments of overheard stories. Instead, I decided to start paying my pain some attention in a bid to heal it. This is what I concluded I would do if I loved myself and finding peace was always my goal.

I had no idea what I was getting myself in for when I plucked up the courage to open up the Pandora’s box that is the side of my family I’ve never known. Walking directly into a cave of pain and having a good poke around is as natural to me as sticking pins in my eyes but there I was and once I’d started I had no choice but to carry on. It has been a turbulent journey so far, fraught with pain, heartbreak, sadness but also healing, euphoria and peace. My mental health has faced its greatest challenge as a result and there have been days when I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed.

Compared to a lot of other stories I’ve read about connecting with absent family, I feel lucky to have been welcomed with warm open arms in many cases, but the emotional energy this process has demanded has floored me. There has been little room in my brain for much else and I have had to be more gentle with myself than ever. My rule for sharing vulnerable parts of my life online is to only share once I’m through the other side. I am in no way through the other side or at the bottom of this box yet which is why I haven’t written about it before and why I’m leaving things here for now. I will say however, that despite all the turbulence and pain, I have found that opening this box was the equivalent of opening up a space where I can truly learn to accept my full self and I’ll always be grateful I found the courage to lift the lid. After all, at the bottom of Pandora’s box was hope.

Working for ourselves doesn’t have to be as hard as we think

It has always been instilled in me by my family and a capitalist society that the harder I work the more successful I will be. As I’ve grown into my own mind I’ve come to regard this as completely untrue. I understand the method to the madness where there are boundaries in place such as start and finish times and a boss to tell you how well you’re actually doing but when you work for yourself this mindset can burn you out fast. There is nobody to tell you when to go home and there is always something to do.

In every case of feeling as though I was overworked, stressed and overwhelmed I have turned to my question what would I do if I loved myself? Every single time the answer has been the same - slow down and stop trying to do it all, charge your worth, focus on the work you’re drawn to right now and let go of the rest. Giving myself permission to truly slow down and let go of trying to do everything perfectly has been tough but the results have been fruitful - this has been my most enjoyable and profitable work year so far. 

I’ve had to ask more of my business this year than any other by stepping away when I needed to take time for myself or work on bigger projects behind the scenes and I feel proud to know I’ve built something that I can stand on the weight of. This didn’t happen overnight but piece by piece I’ve got there. By leaning into some self-love and trust I’ve been reassured that those who truly connect with and enjoy our work will always be there when we get back. I’ve also surrendered to the fact that I am not a small team and nor do I wish to hire one.

All great loves come to an end

Losing my little Dolly dog in September broke my heart. For weeks I’d still expect to see her when I turned every corner in the house. I’d hear noises and think it was her before remembering she was gone and it couldn’t be so. Her chair still sits empty and her lead still hangs on the peg rail but I’ve accepted I’ll never see her in this life again. I didn’t just lose a pet, I lost a member of my close family, a best friend, a work pal and a yoga buddy. 

I still can’t bring myself to do at home yoga because I can’t stand the thought of her not running over to face hug me and try to join in. No love is like the love of a dog - it’s unconditional, without judgment and abundant. The hole she left in my life made me realise how grateful I should be to have had the privilege of knowing her for ten happy years. Losing such a great love made me realise how temporary everything in life is and how we need to harness as much gratitude as we can for all the love we’re given in life, whether that’s a pet, parent, friend, partner or child.

Loving ourselves is the opposite of selfish

I was brought up to always think of others, to make others feel welcome and to consider other people’s feelings. These are all great qualities to embody but what about ourselves? I’ve come to realise (the hard way) that unless I fit my own oxygen mask first I’m incapable of fitting anyone else’s. Throughout this year I’ve witnessed first hand that the more I love and take care of myself the more I can give to those around me. 

The more compassion I show myself the more compassion I feel able to show others. The less I judge myself the less I’ve found myself judging others. The kinder I am to myself the more fun I am to be around. It’s as if self-love is the centre of all things good and all those around us will reap the rewards.

Women in particular are encouraged to nurture everyone even if that means sacrificing themselves so I think we find self-love more difficult than others. Knowing that self-love can only benefit others has really helped me get over this hurdle of feeling like I’m being selfish and seeing it play out in real life has convinced me it’s the right thing to do for the greater good. 

It’s ok to ask for help

At the beginning of this year I decided I really wanted to rebrand my business. My blog turned three in March and since starting it in true diy fashion, it has grown into a business that supports financially and makes many dreams come true. I felt I owed it the equivalent of a new internet dress. At first my intention was to do the rebrand myself but I soon realised my skills and time were limited, and that was ok. Investing in a small business feels so scary because you never know where your next payment is coming from but I felt asking for professional help was the right thing to do. I hope you’ll agree from looking at the new site and ebooks that I did the right thing. 

Reaching out to Jack Watkins, a designer I admired and connected with, and working on this project together has been a highlight of my 2020 for sure. I know it would have never happened if I hadn’t acted from a place of love because I would have convinced myself I couldn’t afford it, I could do it myself and run myself into the ground as a result. The rebranding process turned into much more than a redesign for me. It was a chance to reflect and celebrate all the work I’ve created these last three years and then build a new home for it to shine in. 

Big dreams are achieved one tiny step at a time

It shocks me that the most turbulent year of my life has ended with a book deal - yes a book deal! My initial feeling is that I don’t deserve it, I haven’t worked hard enough for it this year. As I type these words it still doesn’t fell quite real. Still, last week I signed my first book contract and the more I let it sink in the more I realise that I’ve been working towards this for years, one tiny step at a time. I’ve suffered the rejections, I’ve drafted, edited, thrown it all away and started again - over and over. I’ve dreamed and I’ve believed and most importantly I’ve kept writing no matter what. Tiny step by tiny step we’re capable of so much more than we think but it takes a lot of love to breathe the wind we require beneath our own wings to fly.

We’re all so good at dreaming aren’t we, especially at this time of year. We set big scary goals and dare to believe we’re capable of great things. I think we are. All of us. The only difference between those who bring their dreams to life and those who don’t is they didn’t just start, they kept going. That’s the only difference. The tonic I believe is required to help us not only start with enthusiasm but carry on when the going gets really tough - is love. This is what will nourish you, refuel you and turn those critical voices in you head into your own personal motivational speakers. We all deserve love and the best part is we’re all capable of giving ourselves an abundance of it. All it takes is asking ourselves that one question and then following through on the answer.

The question I wanted to answer by the end of the year was what would life look like if I loved myself? Well, it looks like me catching myself when I fall, nurturing my inner child, allowing myself to rest when I need to and giving myself a little push of encouragement when I need to. I’ve learned that more importantly it isn’t about how life looks when we love ourselves, it’s about how life feels. I’m ending this year with more clarity than I’ve ever had in my life, more self-assurance and self-trust and for that I’m truly grateful.

This has been the year of getting through, whatever it took and I wouldn’t have been able to do that without love, not just love from others, of which I am also grateful - because the most powerful love we can receive in our lives is the love we show to ourselves.