What can we gain from splitting the domestic to do list?
How much time do you spend feeling guilty for not doing everything you think you should be doing?
I spend more than I’d like, specifically at home. Working and living together means we’re home 90% of them time and it’s fair to say my husband J and I get under each other’s feet when it comes to household responsibilities. Constantly. There’s also a lot of bickering and finger pointing. He hates the way I load the dishwasher. I get annoyed with how much laundry he has compared to me and always feel like it’s my job to do it. Distractions are the enemy of productivity and feeling as though I’ve a million domestic tasks to do while I’m trying to work from my dining table is an ongoing battle.
Recently, I saw an article about a new book that promises to help couples rebalance the domestic to do list. It’s called Fair Play. The aim is to give both of you more time to do the things that truly matter to you in life. I knew I had to try it. I downloaded the audiobook, listened through at 1.5 speed, printed off the cards for the game and talked J into giving it a try. Whether you live alone, have kids or live with your parents I wanted to share what I leaned from this experiment because there have been some real game-changers for me.
The ‘game’ as it’s referred to in the book is a simple one. Every household task is represented by an individual card and you have to decide which ones apply to your situation right now. The cards include things like weekday meals, kid’s morning routine, travel, bill payments etc. Only thirty of the cards apply to children (although woah, the amount of extra to dos for people with kids was staggering. I’ve no idea how my mum did it all as a single parent) so I was still able to tweak the method for us.
Once you’ve decided which cards apply to you, you simply divide them between you so it feels fair. It’s not supposed to be about point scoring but let’s be honest, this is tricky to resist when you’re trying to balance your deck of cards. Each person takes on the entire responsibility of the cards they hold. I got pets, so letting Dolly out throughout the day, walking her, feeding her, giving her water and picking up her poops all sits with me. Holding the card doesn’t mean the other person is excluded. J can still come on a walk with me if he wants, the point is it’s not his responsibility to plan Dolly’s walks or make sure they happen. Likewise with me and the dishwasher. Hallelujah I no longer have to think about that flippin’ dishwasher – J took the dishes card.
Once you’re both happy with your decks the trial period begins. It’s advised to revisit your decks regularly to account for change and it’s always ok to trade cards. I was so excited to try it once we’d balanced our decks but truthfully, I didn’t have high hopes. I was shocked at how well this worked for us and how easy it was to stick to.
This is what I’ve learnt so far and I’m hoping that by sharing these lessons you may have some realisations of your own.
Emotional energy is a thing – The emotional energy of feeling like I have to do something often outweighs the energy it takes to actually do. I’m going to try and be more aware of this in future in the hope I can catch myself and give myself a break.
I take on too much – I’d been feeling as though 80% of our household tasks are my responsibility. Even though I don’t do all of them, I still feel like I should be doing it all. I put this down to gender conditioning. Of the 42 cards that applied to our situation I felt as though I held 30 of them.
Laying our cards on the table means we can’t hide – one of the reasons I fell in love with minimalism was because of how much it took off my plate. I’m naturally an over planner and I underestimate my time. Seeing everything I’m responsible for at home has helped me plan realistically instead of tricking myself into thinking I can clean the entire house in ten minutes, it never getting done, and then feeling bad about it.
Less is more – One person being in charge of one thing from beginning to end is more efficient and a fool proof recipe for team harmony. I’ve noticed an increase in gratitude between us and a decrease in bickering as well as point scoring since we started this.
Our time is equal – This has been my biggest lesson. Nobody’s time is more or less valuable than our own. It doesn’t matter if they earn more money, have more followers or have children. Our time is the most precious resource we posses and no matter who we are, our time holds equal value. I’m going to stop pretending otherwise from here on out.
A few months later and we’re still using this system to split our household to dos. We’ve made some tweaks to make it work for us and our lives and we’re not rigid when those unexpected life events get in the way – we help each other out when we need to. I’ve found setting expectations to be key, for example agreeing how often Dolly’s poo patrol should be done as we both have different ideals. On the whole I’m feeling a lot less guilty these days and there’s a sense of relief that’s come from this experiment. I don’t have to try and do it all, I can walk past the dirty dishes and laundry pile with my head held high.
Fair Play is by no means a perfect system as it’s of course written from one person’s version of reality and our lives are all very different. Still, I’m glad we played and I think lots of us can benefit from raising our awareness around balancing the domestic to do scales.
This post originated as one of my simple letters, which are letters I send out weekly to my email community. If you’d like to receive letters like this from me in future you can sign up here. I’d love to have you join the list.
