What I’m learning in my year of healing
Halfway through the year feels like a good time to reflect on what my word of the year has taught me so far.
Every January I choose a word of the year. If this idea is new to you then you can read more about how it works in my book Enough or in this blog post. The aim is to live alongside a guiding word for an entire year instead of choosing new year resolutions (which never work out). The word should be a careful choice depending on where you are right now and where you want to be. Your word should reflect what you feel you need more of in life to get you to where you’d like to be, closer to the highest version of yourself.
My word of the year for 2022 is healing. This is where I felt I needed to direct my attention in order to grow as a person. I decided to focus on healing above all else this year in the hope that other things I wanted in life like closer relationships, happy memories, good mental health and wellbeing as well as a profitable yet flexible business would flourish alongside. It’s hard to make life happen when parts of you feel broken.
We can’t discuss healing without talking about trauma. The two go hand in hand. The truth is, even if we were lucky enough to have two parents who loved us, few of us make it through childhood without trauma. Then of course adulthood arrives and even more trauma tends to unfold. Life is both dark and light, the good doesn’t exist without the bad. Trauma is defined as the end result of events or experiences that leave us feeling deeply unsafe and often helpless. It can result from a single event or be part of an ongoing experience, like chronic abuse, bullying, discrimination or humiliation.
Most of us have trauma but few of us face it and heal it. Instead we live in fear of our shadow self where our trauma lurks. We try to bury it deep down inside in an attempt to forget about it but trauma can’t be forgotten, it needs to be released. When left unhealed it manifests in our behaviours, patterns and ways of thinking wreaking havoc on our lives. Our intentions are good, we’re trying to protect ourselves from feeling pain - but this isn’t a healthy way to live because not only are we still suffering, often those closest to us suffer too.
The personal traumas I’m trying to heal from are those deep core wounds so many of us walk around with that nobody can see but us. If we could see one another’s emotional wounds I think the the world would be a very different place. They’re the darkest parts of me I’ve always felt too afraid to look at, but this year I felt compelled to do the inner work I knew was necessary in an act of courage and hope. If I could heal those broken parts of myself I knew I’d grow stronger, become less vulnerable to predators and I could start not only believing a life full of love and abundance was possible, but actually start creating it.
Once I’d chosen my word of the year I created a vision board, which lives on my laptop background so I can see it every day. I went into a lot of detail about my word of the year and my vision board in this vlog if you haven’t seen it yet. I’m not going to go into the specifics of my trauma, because I’m not ready and also I want to be as inclusive as possible so no matter what kind of trauma you yourself are healing from, hopefully you’ll be able to relate to what I’m discovering.
So here’s what I’m learning so far…
You need to balance inner work with joy
Diving into your darkest most painful parts can quickly suck you into a downward spiral, and whilst looking and sitting with all that darkness is part of the process, sometimes you need relief, especially if you’re dealing with post traumatic stress. Welcome distractions can serve as a deep breath and having fun is also important alongside inner work. Think watching comedies, laughing with your friends and doing silly things. Sometimes diving into emotional pain isn’t the right thing to do. Time between what’s happened to you to just be and build up a portfolio of positive experiences like a trip away, walks in nature, days out with your family are just as healing as sitting with your pain especially when you’re not ready to.
The hardest and most crucial part of healing is acceptance
The process map of healing on my vision board couldn’t be more right. First comes discomfort, like talking about what’s happened and connecting with the pain. This is where talking therapy, journaling back to the past or sharing experiences with those you trust can help. The next part is acceptance and only after acceptance can there be growth. Depending on the trauma, especially childhood trauma relating to parents, this can be incredibly difficult. My own way of coping has been turning away from the truth in an attempt to lessen the pain. This is where we tend to blame ourselves, create fantasies that don’t exist or point blank refuse to accept what happened as truth or fact. The pain of acceptance has by far been the worst for me but on the other side of that has been the permission I needed to allow myself to grieve, hope and growth.
It’s ok to ask for help but ask the right people
Broken bones don’t mend themselves. Think of the medical team involved in such a task. Then there are your friends and family who act as even further support. Emotional trauma is very different because we’re not as equipped to deal with these things. Not everyone can support you in the way you need them to and while this is painful it’s also ok. The person you need the most love and support from is yourself. When someone can’t deal with your struggles, trauma or mental health breakdown it’s much more about them than it is about you. That being said there are experts out there to help and just like you can’t heal a broken leg on your own you can’t heal a broken spirit. Exploring Youtube channels, Instagrammers, TikTok, your GP, a therapist and or charities can make you feel so much less alone.
You cannot heal in the same environment that made you sick
Another favourite from my vision board. No matter how much we love them or try to help them, toxic people are poisonous and the more contact we have with them the sicker we become. There is power in walking away though this can be incredibly difficult to do, especially if you love the person who is hurting you, they’re part of your daily life like work or a friendship group, perhaps you’re dependent on them, share children or dna with them. Wounds can’t heal whilst they’re being prodded. It comes down to choice and inner strength. Removing yourself from a toxic environment may be the hardest thing you ever have to do - it was for me. It’s so easy to think rationally and wonder why anyone would entertain another who intentionally causes them pain but this isn’t how humans are wired in abusive situations. Our reluctance and feelings of helplessness to get out reflects how deep our wounds are that are being triggered. Staying can feel easier than leaving, even when you know it’ll eventually destroy you. We can’t control how others treat us or what they think of us but we can control the access we grant them to us.
Only you can do the work
Healing happens on your timescale and no matter how big a cavalry you call in, there’s only one person who can do the work - you. That’s not to say the process can be rushed either. Some days are harder than others and there is no linear path. When it comes to mental health there may be days when you can’t get out of bed and there may be days when brushing your teeth is a victory. Eventually, with time, self-love and the right choices there are days when the pain feels different. It no longer brings you to your knees. It’s still there but it’s dull and flat instead of sharp. The timing of this will unfold as it’s meant to. Strength follows weakness and weakness can follow strength, that’s being human. You are not responsible for your trauma, but you are responsible for your healing. This is one of the most important and at the same time uncomfortable things I’ve had to accept this year. It’s moved me out of victim mode and into survivor, though I don’t like that word. I prefer to think of Nora Ephron’s word heroine from her famous Wellesley speech where she said, be the heroine of your life not the victim. It sits better with a writer 😉.
What was your word of the year? Has it taught you anything so far? If you haven’t got one it’s never too late to choose one. If you're focusing on inner work or healing too and have any tips to add I’d love to hear them.
