Why insecurity and perfect selfies are the most toxic of twins

How insecure have you been feeling lately? How does your social media look? Is there a link? Last week I did a poll on my Instagram stories and it turns out 70% of us feel more pressure to appear perfect online the more insecure we feel. Shocked? Me neither.

At first I was shocked but as someone who spends most of her time in the online world the dust soon started to settle and the answer seemed obvious. Did I really think those perfectly filtered selfie series didn’t have a darker story to tell.

I got the urge to do the poll after dipping my toe into the world of TikTok. Amist the filtered faces, funny sound effects and few familiar faces, Ed Sheehan popped up to sum our culture in less than 60 seconds. Here’s the video if you want to take a look. It hit me so hard and made perfect sense. When I look back at my most insecure phases in life this is when I felt the most pressure to appear perfect online.

When instagram first came on the scene it was the filters that lured me in. I didn’t realise it was a photo sharing app for months, I was just focused on using the filters to edit photos and make them beautiful. This has always been my nature. If I can put on a pretty front nobody will see how broken I really am inside is my most fragile self’s way of thinking and protecting herself. Beautiful escapism is my thing and I spend most of my time in a fantasy world. It’s no wonder I do what I do for a living. When things around me aren’t beautiful I want to make them so, and it makes me feel better. Maybe it’s the Libra rising in me but it’s who I am and that’s that.

What’s interesting to me is this urge exists on a sliding scale and when social media is thrown into the mix things can really heat up. The more my life feels as though its falling apart, the more insecure I feel, the more pressure I feel to appear perfect online. These last few years have been no exception. The other week a friend I haven’t seen for a while turned to me and said, Jess it looks like you’re winning at life right now. Erm really? Because last week I had a panic attack I genuinely thought was going to kill me, last night I had a one of my frequenting nightmares and this morning I felt so anxious just brushing my teeth felt like climbing mount Everest. So why would she think that? My social media of course. People see what we want them to see.

There’s nothing wrong with turning to Instagram for some blissful escapism. We’ve all had a tough time of it lately, life is generally hard, full of ups and downs and we all struggle. It’s perfectly understandable to seek out some relief from the mundane reality but knowing how the machine works can provide a blissful amount of awareness we can use to soothe ourselves, recognise the game we’re all partaking in and notice when someone needs extra kindness.

The more selfies I want to take, the more I feel the need to portray perfection online, the more I’m struggling. So what’s the answer? Self-compassion I think. Using self-awareness to change for the better, give ourselves what we need instead of turning to strangers on the internet - I can attest there are a lot of weirdos out there! Go easy on ourselves, know our reaction to feeling not so great is normal - human. We’re merely looking to have our basic needs of feeling valued, seen and even loved met. In a world where we can do this on a global stage, try turning inwards instead, ask some questions and see what your heart says back. Listen, take it seriously and think about how you can give yourself what you need. Easier said than done yes, 1000 likes for a selfie is going to feel good - nobody is denying that - but long term it’s not a sustainable approach for validation and we deserve better. We owe ourselves more and we can do better when we know why we’re doing what we’re doing instead of living on autopilot.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to escape into the imaginary, but it’s imperative we keep our feet on the ground while our heads are in the clouds else we run the risk of truly getting lost down the rabbit hole. And nobody wants that. Because no matter how perfect we make ourselves or our lives look we’re always left with the reality. The hole will always need to be filled and it’s too dangerous to risk handing that much power over to all those aforementioned weirdos online (there are lovely people online too of course!). So next time you feel the need to portray perfection, firstly know you’re not alone and then give yourself the reassurance and validation you’re craving.

And if you notice a friend (me included), posting a series of filtered selfies, be worried - but don’t do what so many of us do by taking offence, gossiping or rolling our eyes. See what’s really there and bring your own humanity to the table. What can we learn from this? Have empathy when we see a seemingly perfect selfie as opposed to envy or snuffing it would be a good place to start. Recognising in others what we feel in ourselves is a sure way to bring us all closer together and grow collectively.

Can you relate to any of this? Do you feel better knowing it’s all smoke and mirrors? I hope so. After my initial feeling emotionally scarred by TikTok I’ve found myself getting very into it, there’s a lot of good stuff on there if you give the algorithm a chance to (scarily accurately) figure you out. You’ll find me @Jessica_rose_williams if you want to come and say hi.